Let’s All Eat Mushrooms and Meditate.

2012 will be the year of massive death, intergalactic transcendence, and hallucinogenic drugs.

At least that’s the impression I’ve gathered from my recent internetical exploration of apocalyptic theories. First impression: there’s a lot out there. Theories stem from theories that reveal truths that only certain theorists know, theoretically. The only thing that end-of-the-worlders seem to agree on is that someday, something really important and earth-altering will happen. And it will probably be in 2012, because Mayan logic proves it. Mayan logic also no longer exists, because Mayans no longer exist. But they probably knew what they were doing.

In my research efforts, I ran across three semi-related and equally fascinating theories:

  1. 2008 – God’s Final Witness by Ronald Weinland.

    Ronald Weinland, professional prophet since 1997.

    Once merely a pastor of God’s Church, Ronald Weinland has been hailed as the latest prophet revealing God’s path to ultimate destruction. His theories are based both on the Book of Revelation in the Christian Bible and on his own revelations through his prophetic relationship with God. The website preaching his message states that “God made him a prophet in 1997” and “as these events unfold, the world will […] realize that Ronald Weinland has been sent by God as His end-time prophet.” The actual apocalyptic consequence is vague on the website (“billions will die!”), but he does offer a specific date: “The year 2008 marked the last of God’s warnings to mankind and the beginning in a countdown of the final three and one-half years of man’s self-rule that will end by May 27, 2012.” A full explanation of his message can be found on this website (get your free book!).

    The fact that they offer free copies of his books makes the theoretical intentions seem genuine, until one contextualizes the act as the cultist tactic of garnering followers through non-committal and seemingly innocuous acts of faith. Whether Weinland actually communicates with God or is playing off the fear surrounding the 2008 economic crisis, the credibility of his argument is based on his personal word alone, not facts or logical predictions. He does look like a pretty trustworthy guy though.

  2. Valum Votan – Closer of the Cycle (based on Mayan Calendar) — “My purpose is to further the cause of the Earth and her biosphere by calling for a return of the deviant human species to the correct cycles of the natural galactic order. To this end I am committed to the universal dissemination of the Law of Time and all of its fourth- dimensional learning tools.”What? The most prominently cited source for apocalyptic theories comes from the Mayan Long Count Calendar, which ends on December 21, 2012. Many apocalypse theorists have taken this historical artifact and turned it into contemporary science fiction—characters such as Valum Votan.  Votan believes he is the “Closer of the Cycle,” the one chosen through lineage to bring about the end of the world as we know it and restore natural order on Earth.  His images of “divine transcendence” are actually rather pleasant, but his basis in the super-natural and his commitment to the “natural galactic order” are mostly off-putting. Curiosity about this figure can be assuaged by visiting his website.
  3. Daniel Pinchbeck – 2012: The Return of Quetzalcoatl                                                    Pinchbeck’s theories are also based on the Mayan calendar, but offer the more intriguing perspective of psychedelic

    Daniel Pinchbeck: novelist, thinker, psychadelic enthusiast.

    influences. According to G. Jeffrey MacDonald with USA Today, “Daniel Pinchbeck anticipates a “change in the nature of consciousness,” assisted by indigenous insights and psychedelic drug use” (this article is actually pretty interesting). Once a rising metaphysical author, Pinchbeck slowly became increasingly “involved” in his area of study. His personal biography on his website states that he “began to participate in the shamanic and metaphysical belief systems he was encountering. As his psyche and body opened to new experiences, disparate threads and occurrences made sense like they had never before.” This seems much more plausible to me. If everyone just became permanently high on hallucinogens, reality as a concept would fall apart. The entire structure of society would shatter. Modern civilization would crumble. And sounds would have colors.

Reading all of these theories has led me to a firm belief in theories. They definitely exist. As far as the apocalypse is concerned, I’m going to stick with the “who knows, who cares” theory that posits such brazen claims as “we’re all gonna die eventually anyway.” Now there’s some logic I can put some faith in.

If I knew the world were definitely, positively, %100 ending on December 21, 2012, I would not tell anyone. And probably drop out of college.

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